When you bite into a Cadbury egg, you have to jab your teeth in and push really hard. It's not an easy task to break through in order to get to the oozing part. Maybe this is why I don't like Cadbury eggs. It hurts to get to the middle, and when you do get to the oozy part, it is too sweet, too sticky, and too much.
I believe I can compare myself to a Cadbury egg. I can be tough, like the outer chocolate shell. Sometimes people have to dig really deep with me and it hurts. Once you make it to the center, it spills out fast and I think people quickly discover my toughness, is really not that tough. More over, it is easier to express toughness and strength for me. I am much more uncomfortable and inexperienced to explain pain, sadness, and vulnerability. I need lessons on how to speak sad, because when I try, I am inarticulate and sometime do more damage.
I have a lot of anxiety. I hide it by being tough and strong, but it is to my fault. Tough can look abrasive, and strong can look ridged. But please know, I am going for tough and strong, not the latter. The latter can be hurtful, and when it all comes down to it, I truly do not want to be hurtful. My oozing part, longs for the anxiety to go away, and for a happy medium to be created. Balance.
I am going to an event today for a dear, dear friend. I adore her and I truly could not be happier for her and watching her bask in happiness is a privilege. Unfortunately, there is a cloud of anxiety as I prepare for this event. I hurt people there and they hurt me. We are both at fault, and the unfairness stings. I am trying not to be the chocolate shell and appear harsh, because really, I am just hurt. I believe our hurt is similar.
I think I am good at my job...most of the time. I am not saying this so that all of the people who care about me will write wonderfully supportive and lovely things about my counseling skills once they are done reading this post. Although I feel like I am good at my job, if my clients are not willing to work hard, I'm pretty much useless and I suck because they won't do jack, therefore wasted skills. Today, the cosmos aligned and one of my clients utilized my skills and our trust at the same time. I was totally shocked and mystified at first, and then, it just flowed. We problem solved, together. (Cue the chorus of Hallelujah!)
There is something to be said about walking along side someone while they are experiencing their true emotions for the first time. I can't say that its fun and I can't say it is all that satisfying, but I can say that you feel like you just walked in on someone's at home water-birth. It is very exposing and you feel vulnerable in their vulnerability. Plus, it's so fascinating that you can't look away and break your attention; it like the experience is pulling you in even though it almost hurts with intensity. Really, a tricky, tricky place to be.
When I encounter vulnerability, it reminds me of elastic, or a rubber band covering your whole body. It stretches and bends, and only when you try really hard, does the elastic pull away and we get a glimpse. Not a large gaping stare, but just a glimpse and a stepping off point to encourage you to try again. Then, just as surprising as that glimpse, it is gone and the elastic is back in place, tucked away securely and safely hugging your body tightly and protecting you dearly. Then, the session is over, and the exhausting yet gratifying experience starts over next week.
So today, I watch an emotional at-home water-birth. Pretty cool. We made it through together, without drugs or back-up.
I have been on a blog break. Longer than a break, a black hole of a blog break. I don't know why. I recognize that the only people who read my blog are my family members and sweet EP, so I wondered to myself why I would stop "blog talking" to them. I forgot, I read it as well. I was bored with it. My sissy recently posted the reason behind her blog break, and it makes sense to me. She was bored of her little rants and comments, so now she is recalling her wonderful memories. If a terrific idea, as she is the keeper of most of my memories and I love to hear what she remembers of our childhood.
Ill try and write more, as I really do love to share, but I cannot guarantee longevity or quality. That's the truth.
Dave. If I would have known of such happiness before, I would have said yes eons ago. It's a lovely thing to be deliriously happy in someone else's happiness. He stares at my left hand in such a sweet and wonderful way. I catch him sometimes and he looks away smiling. He says "fiance" to everyone and relishes in our new title. I know it is super lame, but a rough day melts away around his joy and adoration. Luckily, I willingly bask in it.
Jump Roping. My circus friend brought me a jump rope, and I am crazy over it. Take note: jumping rope is a BIG no bueno in the rain...don't even try it for fun. I almost ate shit and got muddier than a five year old in a ditch. But, with some exhilarating music and an hour jumping, I feel like I am in elementary school jumping for the American Heart Association again. Plus, I really don't enjoy the repetitiveness and blandness of a gym, so this is perfect for me. It's new, fun, hurts so good, and makes me feel like I'm super tough.
My nails. I have a terrible combination of hand issues: I have man hands and I bite my nails. Since I can't control the man hands, I decided to control the biting of nails, and I think I finally broke the habit! It feels good to be rid of a habit that has lasted me 22 years.
You know when a hair is stuck in your bra? Either the front of the back, but a hair (from your head) is tickling your chest or back...you know? Yea, well I hate that. It has been happening a lot this week, which makes me think I am shedding hair at an alarming rate, creating more worry, but I find myself contorting my body and searching down my shirt for the illusive hair bothering me. My favorite is when I am in a meeting or walking in my office and I suddenly feel it. I react too soon to realize that I probably shouldn't have my hand down my shirt, claiming to be looking for a missing hair. Probably doesn't send the right message to my clients.
Fluff's scratching. He is at it again. I cannot even write the full account of torture that we go through when he decides to scratch. I adore this cat, but, hand to God, he would be a street cat in a moments notice if it wasn't for his cutie face. When he scratches, he brings out the abusive parents in Dave and I. We throw pillows at him, we yell, we ignore him, we even lock him in his cat carrier. It' bad, real bad. Anyway, I can feel myself getting worked up about it again, so I will stop here. Just know, he looks like a gem, but he has his flaws.
I need help. I am struggling with what seems like a thousand life changing decisions in one week and I am in full panic mode. I have boiled the information down and here the big dilemma I have come up with where I need opinions and words from the wise.
Do I continue with school and finish the ESA certification program? (school counseling)
The reason I am considering NOT doing this is the following:
The person who run this program, also my advisor, is the most difficult person to get a hold of. He doesn't return emails, he doesn't return phone calls, and he certainly is not at his office when you would think he needs to be. With all of this in mind, he only wants to communicate through email which is infuriating, because a lot needs to be said that I feel an email cannot do justice. Additionally, each time I am frustrated about his communication, I call my old program director at home (he gives all of his students his home phone because he says "Anything that has to do with your educational future is an emergency that I am fully invested in. Therefore, my home phone is extended to you because I pledge to be there, always." That was literally on my welcome letter to that program. I love him. I call my old department head because the programs have since blended and he can "help" but not really get things moving in the direction I need.
Anyway, I asked him what to do, and he suggested that I go straight to the Dean and work from there. So, I called her assistant and was met with a lot of resistance, but an appointment was made. Later that afternoon, the appointment was cancelled and I was directed to contact my advisor (man who does nothing). I told her that I haven't heard from him since May and that getting ahold of him should be a full-time job. She assured me he would get back to me and finally, he did. Sadly, nothing was really resolved and he has yet to respond to my response.
The main reason for getting ahold of him was to discuss my next 2 semesters. I had 4 classes left to take and wanted to plan out when I would be taking them. One of the classes, Intro to Guidance and Counseling, I thought I could waive, but he informed me that "it is too informative to miss out on." Really? Is it more informative then say, the MASTERS IN COUNSELING I ALREADY HAVE?????? I presented to him, in one of the many unanswered emails, suggestions for this class like independent study, working off of the syllabus regarding information that might be new to me, coming to each class, but not paying for it, lots of choices....
Either way, he said no to all of them. Here is where it get tricky. I have used up all of my MA financial aid that is allotted. Therefore, I go back to undergraduate status to receive fin. aid and they will only give me $5,000 for the year. That means, that I will be taking 6 classes to complete this training and paying for it out of pocket, minus the $5,000. My running total will be approximately $14,000 up front to the school. Not shockingly, I don't have $14,000 that I am willing to just give to school. Hence, I was begging the department head to just not charge me for the class, but I will still go. Nope, he still denied me.
Dave and I have come up with a plan to pay for most of it including him taking more money from his school and me using some of my savings, but with this added class, I am getting nervous. There are 2 classes that I can potentially waive in the spring, but I still have yet to hear back from my advisor on whether that will happen or not. I want to meet with him so I can get a guarantee that I can waive those classes, because then I can afford to pay out of pocket. If I don't get that guarantee, I don't think I can afford this program....actually, I know I can't.
Alas, I am at my wits end. I don't know how to move forward. If I don't do the program, I have to start paying off my loans in December, but I don't have a job yet, so I am really apprehensive about getting prepared to start my payments without income. But, I cannot afford to do this program, and get the job I really want, whilst battling my advisor for the next year. This communication style has really put me off of this program.
What to do? What to do?
I could do this program in a year when maybe I have a job, and let time restraints. I don't know.
Give me your advice, and if something doesn't make sense above, ask. I really need some serious discussion as to how to move forward. Thanks.
It's Dave's 26th birthday, so we are writing this together, you know, a "featured" guest!
Dave's highlights of the night:
1) Tay says, "Oh boy, I had a glass and a half and I'm a bit buzzed. We don't go out enough."
2)Watching a girl eating next to us with her super hot boyfriend and she is eating NOTHING. Seriously, nothing. He is eating steak and all sorts of other stuff and she is picking at his food and pushing her food around her plate. She eats the smallest salad, so we start talking for her and making up their conversation. Example:
Skinny Bitch: "Oh I am just ate so much, I am stuffed.
Hot Boy: "I am so glad you don't eat very much because I like my ladies lookin' like bones"
Skinny Bitch: "I look like bones?! Gee, thanks:)"
3) When we assume the guy next to us is cheating on his wife and brought a weird and loud mistress instead. Actually, they were doctor friends out for his birthday. We are assholes.
Tay's higlights of the night:
1) Dave says about our relationship: "We are like old news, you know. Old news, but good news like a baby panda being born." or "We are like a 'Friends' re-run. Unexpected, but so great once you really get into it and they leave you wanting more and more. A classic really."
2) Watching Dave resist the urge to mimic accents of those around him....it's really funny to watch.
3) Driving home, holding hands, windows down and "Hurt so Good" being sung so loud that it sounds like we are screaming.
"Tay, don't look at that guys with the 2 black eyes, he might start a fight."
"Oh God, even we were that young we never made out like that in front of our parents. Morgan, yes, parents, no."
"I have celebrated your birthday 6 times now and every year I cannot imagine celebrating your next without us being as happy as we were the year before. You make me think of the year to come in a uplifting and anxious kind of way. How exciting that you let me spend this 26th year with you."
Okay, I have to brag about my AMAZING boyfriend!!!! Boyfriend took 2 MBA classes this semester, business law and accounting something-or-the-other. Anyway, he had projects and finals in both classes and he called me this morning to report the results of his first class!!!
100% on his project-class average was 84%
92% on his final-class average was 82%
That's right, my boyfriend is a superstar!!!!!! I couldn't be more excited and proud of him. Seriously, I am beaming with cup-runith-over pride and joy.
I love you sweet Dave and always knew you would do amazing at this. I cannot wait to see what the next 8 quarters have in store for you and WOW, do I love being around you and your wonderfulness:)
PS He is so good looking in this photo that it make my tummy flutter and heart hurt. I hope that is normal:)