Faults of Faux

Ever since I got spray tanned on Tuesday night, my life has revolved around not upsetting the tan. Example: I have an itch on my leg. Do I itch it? NO!!! I am deathly nervous that my tan will scratch off. The girl at the London House (P.S. The only reason I like London thus far) told me that once the top layer of my skin is rubbed off or disturbed, my tan will be gone! I don't think she told me this to frighten me, but I have had nightmares about rubbing or scratching my skin and ending up looking like a mangy calico cat for the wedding. On the up side, I love being so tan with out much effort....other than not touching, sitting, scratching, moving, or any other skin touching activity. Furthermore, I had my touch up tonight and I am again fretting about my rubbing and touching. I even considered sleeping in a different bed from Da because we have two queens in our Camp Wedding suite. Then I (When I mean "I" I mean "We" because once I shared this idea with him he rolled his eyes and said, "Um, whatever Tay. It's just a tan.") realized I was ridiculous and I'm letting skin dye dictate my choices. This is stupid. I curse you spray tan....but please look good for Sunday:)

Raising Will

While packing for the upcoming sisterly nuptials, I was petting my ever-curious suitcase kitties and noticed that Fluffy had his first mat since being shaved. After I finished selecting my weekend Hanky Panky, I got my Furrminator out and brushed away. After 4 fists of hair and plenty of non-threatening growing from the Fluff, we were done and I put him on the ground with his brother. Cue Will's transformation from cutie to a combo of Ted Bundy and Charles Manson. He acted like he had never met Fluff before and promptly started to growl and bite Fluffy on the back. Dave told Will to knock it off and, I kid you not, Ted/Charles (Will) looked at him, pulled his ears back and smacked Fluffy in the face while looking unblinkingly at Dave. YIKES!!! I let them hash it out a bit to see what was up, and wouldn't you know, my Fluffy does have a brain. It was like a light clicked and he was like, "WTF man. BACK OFF ME!!! My mom just tore the living hell out of my fur and I don't need your bull shit right now." He smacked Will right back and hard. He stood up on his little hind legs and just like the Kitty Chow commercial, he let Will have it. He was boxing with Will's whiskers and watching this power shift moment was quite thrilling. Will had NO idea that Fluffy had it in him!! WAY TO GO FLUFF!!!! I loved every minute of it, until Fluffy started to back up and cower under the coffee table. Show was over for Fluff. Meanwhile, Helter-Skelter had puffy tail, Halloween back, and sound like some kind of safari animal. I backed him away from Fluff and tried to calm him and again, right before my eyes, he transitioned into a loving and adorable cat again. What is wrong with him you ask? I'm not positive, but it feels a bit like raising a serial killer.

In the Dark

I am finding myself in the dark about EVERYTHING lately. Can someone please turn the lights on?

Night Show

I have been getting terrible sleep lately. I wake up at least 3 times during the night. Last night,  woke up at 12:05, 3:22, and 4:50. All of which were to blame on my ever-noisy cats. I wish I could bottle up what they do whilst my eyes are closed for you all to experience, unfortunately I must try and describe this in words. Okay, picture this. Close your eyes for the true experience. Oh, wait then you can't read.....umm, nevermind. Scratch the closed eyes. Anyway, my eyes cracked open for the first time to this funky sound and a meow from Will. He doesn't usually meow much unless he is A) out of food, B) out of food, or C) high on cat nip. I woke up knowing that I had feed them and he wasn't on drugs, so my mind went into panic mode. I frantically jerked awake and inspected the apartment for signs of him. After 2 rounds in the apartment and no luck  and was about to wake Dave up, I saw him underneath my sheets trying to start a game I like to call, "sheet freak." Sheet Freak is when he goes under the sheets and likes to attack everything that moves. He peaks his head out and looks to make sure your watching and backs up only to tear your hand to shreds. It's really cute once you get past the pain and the creepy look in his eyes. Anyway, once I found him, I swore at him and then tried to cuddle. Being the ass that he is, he looked at me like I was the purple-people eater and promptly left. I tossed and turned until I was awaken again at 3:22 by Fluffy's scratching. He does this thing where in order to get our attention he scratches oh so gently at ANYTHING. It drives me nuts! This was not one of those habits that I thought was adorable when he was a kitten and now scorn myself every time he does it now. NO, I have always hated this habit. Nonetheless, it forced me out of bed to find out where he was and what he was scratching. I know what you are thinking, close the bedroom door, I can't people, Fluffy will scratch at the door until it is open and Will will force the thing open with his huge man ass. Thus, I find him looking adorable as ever in the bathroom, his favorite room, scratching at the tub, his favorite item. I tried to be mad, but he flopped unto his tummy looking adorable and so snugly and when I went in to touch this sacred area, he venus fly-trapped his belly with my hand inside and bit my knuckles. UGH! Again, I got in bed for some more tossing and turning to wake up AGAIN to mystery scratching. I got up to investigate and I found the two of them in their bathroom, otherwise known as our office. When using the lavatories, Fluffy is in there for at least 15 minutes,  I kid you not. He scratches of five minutes before he finds the perfect spot in the 1.5X1 box and then does his business. He then takes 2 minutes to poo and then takes 8 minutes to cover his waste. I have timed him. But it is not just scratching at the litter, no no no, its scratching at the sides of the box, the top of the box, the outside of the box, anywhere that can make noise, he will scratch it. I don't have any idea why he does this.  Meanwhile, Will is fixated in front of the box as an audience to the scratch and sniff show. I giggled momentarily and then realized how ridiculous they were and went to bed. Thus, my night was filled with cat-chaos and I have no idea what to do about them. The scratching is getting so off the wall that I will soon be without any sleep and without any fun. 

Kids I Don't Like.

The top 5 characteristics I do NOT like in children (and often adults) 5 years old and above:

1)  Those without any manners. Really people how hard is it to teach your kid to say please and thank you. Additionally, a child should NEVER interrupt unless there is an emergency including any of the following: blood, broken bone, big foot or a natural disaster. Otherwise you say excuse me and if you are not acknowledged, wait or move on.

2) Children who talk to you in an awkward and annoying voice that is not like their real voice in any way. Doing this reminds me that you are a child and that you are in fact SO immature that you cannot handle talking to those around you. If you so choose to speak in any other tone of voice than your natural voice, I advise you to not speak at all.

3) Cry-babies. Children that insist on crying over every last thing drives me nuts. Parents: teach your kids to grow a backbone. I guarantee that having their Lego wheel taken away will not compare to when they are caught boozing in high school, or being hazed in college, or when they realize that they have to pay back all of their college loans. You are setting them up for constant and forever failure. Do them a favor, teach them to suck it up.

4) Tattle-Tails. Not just telling on their friends because they legitimately got smacked in the face, but the consistent telling of insignificant facts. Example: Child A tells on child B because child C took child B's marker. WHO THE FUCK CARES!!!!! Really? Why does this matter? My only response other than the statement above that doesn't seem to play over well with parents is, worry about you. I can't stand this kid, and I encourage them to smack their faces into windows.

5) Finally, the kid that never listens. I hate to repeat myself 5 times let alone 50 times. Some kids require 2-4 times of reminders, but after that, you are out of chances my little friends. Why can't parents be consistent with their kids so that when they are in the care of others, their lack of parenting doesn't make others feel the urge to lock them in little rooms? I despise this trait in kids because they grow up from little shits to big shits that everyone else has to deal with because their parents thought it would be "fun" to have kids even when they had no idea how to raise them.

On a separate list, I despise stupid parents almost more than I despise stupid children. Parents, listen up! Treat your kids respectfully and they will do the same to you. Expect manners and listening. If they don't listen to that, don't be scared to parent them and force results. I am not implying any sort of physical parenting whatsoever, it is not necessary, in fact it doesn't work, but get involved, PARENT THEM. They don't know how to be little people on their own. They are begging you to show them how to be and you MUST guide them for the sake of all of us bystanders!!

P.S. Work was hard today.

Update

Long time no blog friends!

I have no excuse for my absence, but I will apologize and your nagging/persistence has paid off. Because it has been such a long time, I have several things I must run by you all in sub-titles of course. 

Thus

I love this word and I have decided to replace the word "so" because I say it entirely too much and I sound like a has been on a re-run of 90210. Thus, thus is the new "so."  

Nina

Oh, Nina. Directly upon receiving my financial aid check I had several responsible and adult ways of investing my new cash flow but, instead I went to the Nordstrom sale. NOT GOOD....or was it? Behold, Nina. She is the most fabulous accessories I have ever owned. She is sleek, soft, classy, functional and surprisingly perfect for my day-to-day needs. It is like she reads my mind and has a perfect fit and slot for each of my purse necessities. Thus, I employ each of you to ask the question, Is my purse doing what Nina is doing for Taylor? If you answer anything other than a HELL YA, then you must drop everything and invest in a nice little lass such as Nina. P.S. I figured since I was spending my rent on a purse (investment), she deserved not only a gender, but also a trendy name. 

Ick

I mentioned previously that I took Mr. Darcy to the groomers and was very pleased with the results, but I spoke hastily. Ever since I took him to that petri dish, he has had a upper-respiratory infection and has kindly passed it along to his brother. That's right, I have not 1, but 2 sick pissed off cats. Can you think of anything more fun? Cue Nina. She makes everything seem shinny and new...............wait for it, like a virgin, OOOHH, touch for the very first time....psyc!!! Nonetheless, sickness is everywhere in my apartment.

Miss Joan Came to Town

My favorite little lady came into town yesterday and I am elated! She is a bundle of energy and fresh thoughts that I so enjoy trying to keep up with her. It has been 6 months since I last saw her last and I swear she went from 5 to 15 in that time. Example: She came with me to work and joined in the camp activities. As every other kid was picking their noses and crying about some stupid shit some other reject kid did to them, I found her sitting and staring at a leaf. I asked her what she was doing and she matter-of-factly replied, "Oh just studying the anatomy of a leaf." WTF. This is why I will forever compare any child to those of EP and PP and wonder where everyone else went wrong. 

I noticed today when she and I were driving home singing the Beatles (what other 6 year old sings the Beatles and corrects you when you sing incorrectly? Love her!) and I realized that this has been missing in my life. I have basically been around or been a nanny for children for the past 8 years. I miss them. I miss my Provost time. I mean I love Emily dearly, but I truly cherish my time with Miss Joan in a very different way. Watching her and Finny grow and become much smarter and much more grand than I will ever be, is just glorious. Thus, thank Emily for letting me be a part of their lives. I so love the time I get with them and wish you were all here daily. P.S. She misses you guys so much! We looked at your blog tonight. We sat at the desk and she told me the stories behind all of the pictures of Finn and you all on vacation!

And there you have it. Not much you have missed, but I will try to be more regular. That sounds like pooping schedule. Eww.

Frienemies

My boys are normally very lovely towards each other and spend an ample amount of time in each others company. Will spends most of his time making Fluffy clean and smelling yummy and Fluffy obliges because, well, Fluffy knows he's icky and his fluff takes a lot of work. After battling this last month with tuffs like at Morgs house and a seriously hot and panting cat, Dave and I had Fluffy shaved this morning. 

We had a bit of trouble this morning because we are new in the area, we don't know where a fabulous groomer is and I didn't have time to scout out the perfect place. Thus we called the first place near U. Village and I must say, we are impressed. They are a shelter, groomer, pet store in one!!! I LOVE them:) Dave got to see little babies being fed with bottle and big kitties alike. Oh I wish I could have been there....

So, I came home from a lovely wedding with Brandy to find my pitiful kitty hunched in the corner hall. Why you ask? Because his brother is an asshole thats why!!! Every time we take him to the vet or the groomers, Fluffy gets a scent on him that makes Will turn into satin's feline and makes Fluffy feel like he has the plague. My poor baby is all shaved and scrawny, lookin for some love and support from his brother and all he gets are hisses like I have never heard. He was growling at Fluffy in my kitchen nook and the window was open and some guys from the other apartment complex looked over and asked, "Is that your cat?" Embarrasses and fuming I said yes and shamed Will for his unthoughtfulness and insensitive behavior. I truly don't know what to do. I feel like Will kicks Fluffy hard when he is already down. I asked the pet place if I could bring Will as well so they would both have the smell and she said that it wasn't a good idea:(

Thus, WWIII is at my house tonight. We will sleep soundly to growling and hissing with a scared and slightly colder Fluffy between us. I will post pics as soon as Dave shows me how.