A Need for Clean

Dave discovered today that our vacuum doesn't work for shit. Wanna know how? He was dragging his feet on the carpet and found that his running shoes brought up a lot of cat fur. Not only is it funny that he found out that way, but he actually is fascinated and entertained by cleaning the carpets. 

I have now watched Dave for the past hour, rubbing his feet all over every inch of carpet in his boxer briefs and running shoes! Every few minutes he yells at me, "Honey, you just wont believe this amount of fur and how well this works!" The cats are beyond fascination, watching him at the end of he hall trying to find out what the hell he is doing. 

Boyfriend is so funny. He finds even the simplest discoveries glorious:) 

Need for Change

Again, I changed my background. I think it is the same as Mrs. Smith, but I needed simplicity. Going with this theme, change/simplicity, I feel the need to extend this theme to other parts of my life. I have now chosen to slim down on excess in all forms. My life has felt very out of my control and a sense of auto-pilot exhaustion. How do I do this you ask? I don't know actually. I am unfamiliar with changing and down-sizing, but I figure the first step is recognition.

I was in class last night, and one of my fellow classmates was talking about his need for change as well. He started what he called "life reform" when Obama was elected and started being more aware of how he affects the world around him. I was fascinated and a bit awe-struck. On my freakishly long car ride home, I reflected on why I feel like my life is only work/school/responsibility and rarely play/enjoyment. I didn't like what I felt. I came up with thousands of "but's" to all of my responsibility and I am unhappy with my excuses. I can excuse my way out of everything in my life when in actuality, I need to appreciate the people in my life more, enjoy experiences more, and do more for myself without feeling guilty. Thus I created a list, and now a public list, to inspire and push myself forward in making more time for those moments that make life wonderful, people who enrich my life, and memories that define one's existence!

1) Be with my family as much as possible.

These are the people who have shaped me and I am a better person because of them, therefore to continue in being a better person, I need more time with them. I know we get together on Sunday, but I want a family vacation, activities that we all attend, date nights, game nights, whatever, so long as time is spent in their presence.

2) Keep things interesting and spontaneous with Dave.

So often people get tired in the same routine and stress makes people lack effort. Dave deserves time from me, quality time. Time without stress, school, work, etc. conversation. I want date nights, butterflies, and giddiness. He deserves it and I sure as hell do too. We are a perfect pair and compliment each other exactly, but every relationship needs more and I refuse to let either of us feel "ok" with our relationship. I want amazing and terrific all the time. I am not unrealistic, but I need to know that even when we fight, that neither Dave nor I want to be anywhere else but with each other.

3) Keep school with school and work with work.

Stress about work AT work and no more, stress about school AT school and no more. I try and control my school and work outside of work and school and I am running myself ragged. What happens happens. Fact is: I am good at my job and I am a good student. My life is consumed with being preoccupied and worried about outcomes of school and work. It is out of my hands and all I can do is keep doing what I am doing without the worry.

4) Self Care

I hear over and over about self care in my profession and future profession. I really need to focus on being healthy both physically and mentally. Therapy, exercise, eating better, quality friend time, relaxing, family interactions, etc., all need to be worked into my schedule. Time is my biggest enemy and instead I need to befriend it and embrace it. I have all the time in the world, but I just need to pace myself and spend it wisely.

5) Have more of a forgiving nature.

I hold grudges, BIG TIME. Although I definitely cannot give this up completely because I feel it is a part of my personality, I can ease up and try. Forgiveness must be practiced, like riding a bike. Somethings, I just can't forgive, but other things that are insignificant I need to let go. If I can't let it go, I need to recognize what needs to happen in order to get to a place of forgiveness. In addition, I want to understand and apply the comparison of forgiveness vs. forgetting. Although I may not be able to forget, I can forgive. That needs to be a new mantra for me.

Most of who reads my blog fall under one of these categories. Hold me accountable to these pledges. I need help and I am not above asking for it. I want to radically change my standards and priorities. This is step one.

Weighing Options

I started therapy and I have two options now:

Option 1) I don't like her at all. In fact she bugs me and our sessions are very boring. She ended today's session say that we made great progress and it was very eventful. Wha? What session was she in? I was falling asleep wondering if her chunky and funky sweater was a poly-blend. Anyway, I could keep going for 8 more sessions that is required by school, being completely and utterly bored and unproductive the whole time, whilst wasting my time and hers. The reason for this: I can't bring myself to break it off with her. It is like a bad break-up...what do you say? I don't know how to tell her because anyway I put it, it just ends up being her that doesn't fit. I might have to suffer through the sessions to spare her feelings and my awkwardness.

OR

Option 2) Tell her it's over and start seeing a great therapist who really listens and knows what NKOTB is! But, in order to get to this option, I must say I don't like her or something of that sort. Ugh!!! Therapy is hard Barbie!

What to do, oh what to do?

A January to Remember

This month has pretty much been hell on wheels. Everything that could go wrong, has happened within this 30 days. My family has changed, my friends have changed, my work has changed, and my school has changed. Although I prefer it all happening at once rather than sporadically, I am not making these transitions a fluidly as before.

I have to thank all the family and friends who have tried to make this month a bit more bearable. Your support and strength has really kept me going. A special shout out to my one and only's, Kim Hood and Evee, I am too lucky to have you in my life. Thanks for the buds...they are beautiful!

I am wishing everyone a happy February...

A Final Thank You

I love thank you cards. Not just any thank you cards, but particularly the fancy, crazy-expensive, glittery thank you cards from Papyrus. Anyone who knows me, knows that with each gift, act of kindness, or just 'cause, you get beautiful cards from me. I think it is important to note, that I collect my cards. Every card sent to me I have saved. That's right, every single one of them. I think I counted once around my senior year and I had around 450+ cards. I don't send or collect these cards for just any reason, I keep them because they are a piece of the sender. They are not an email, they are not an e-Card, they are time taken out of someone's busy schedule to write, or have written, just for them. There is something historic about getting mail and receiving a thank you. Again, it is important to note that if I didn't remember to send a thank you note AND in a timely manner, my mother would hunt me down for poor manners. This one of the only things I still do because my mother told me so.

Nonetheless, while others share their stories of my Grammy, I am having the hardest time wondering if she got my last thank you card in the mail from Christmas. I sent all of my thank you's in a timely manner, but, because of the snow and such, my receivers reported a later-than-usual thank you.  It's silly, I know, to worry about a thank you card, but this is one thing I know Grammy counted on. Whenever I would call her, she would tell me about the last card sent and how she just loved it. It was a connection thing. I'd like to believe that she taught my Mom the thank you card etiquette and my Mom passed it to me. This would be something that I will always have directly from her to me. 

When Mom was at Grammy's last week, she stumbled upon a box with "Taylor's xmas" written in her writing. My mom peeked inside and found a HUGE box of tupperware. I must explain: when Dave and I were getting ready to move in together, I was freaking out because I hadn't found any tupperware that measured up to my mom's Martha Stewart tupperware and I couldn't find a stick of it anywhere. So, Grammy asked me what was on my Christmas list one year and I told her I needed new tupperware, and I think I told her, verbatim, "Not a shitty kind either." Nice way to talk to your Grammy Taylor:( Anyway, she laughed and that Christmas I got 2 pieces of this "Lock and Lock" tupperware. She must have gotten a package deal, because Mom, Annie, and Mrs. Smith got a few as well. On a note inside of my tupperware (she always put the cutest notes in each present like she couldn't wait to tell us what was inside on a post-it....I'll miss those post-its) she wrote that this tupperware was on a "trial" basis, to ensure that they are not "shitty." 

After I sent her the thank you card, we chatted and I told her how NOT-shitty this tupperware is. I LOVE IT! It is the best tupperware and we all fight over who get Sunday dinner leftovers in a Lock and Lock tupperware. She got a serious hoot out of this and she must have ordered more for me...hence the huge box mom found. 

Yesterday, Mom brought over the bag of tupperware and I just unpacked it. 32 PIECES IN ALL!!! I am not kidding. I have every size, shape, accessory known to man in the form of tupperware. I no longer have space for my baking things because I have WAY too much tupperware. 

Thus, this is my final thank you to Grammy....

Grammy,

Thank you so much for the tupperware. You know I love this stuff and it means so much to me that you thought of me. I can't tell you how much I miss you and how every day will go by with you in my thoughts. YOu know I am not a religious or spiritual person, but I feel you, everywhere. Mrs. Smith does too, we all do. Although I will be thinking of you, show me that you are thinking of me sometimes too, I want to know you're with me. The memories of our crazy times flood my dreams and photos. What special times we had together. I love you more than you will ever know. Missing you...

Love You,

Tay

Poetry

I truly have no words that could describe my relationship with Grammy or how she became to be such a pivotal woman in my life. If I were to try, I would do her an injustice, and she would be embarrassed by my feeble rhetoric. The glorious time she spent with me is described wonderfully in my favorite poem by William Wordsworth:

What though the radiance which was once so bright

Be now for ever taken from my sight,

Though nothing can bring back the hour

Of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower;

We grieve not, rather find

Strength in what remains behind...

I love you more than every fish in the sea, grain of sand, and star in the sky...beat that Grammy!

I will miss you more than you will ever know.

Love, 

Tay

My Dear Mrs. Smith,

How do I calm your sensitive soul? With each comment suggesting actions as our fault, you are so quick to defend. I love your passion and dedication for justice. You need to be heard. I think this is the only way for you to find resolution.

Let me tell you this, you were/are not at fault. We did nothing to deserve this although we have been punished for years. I embrace your pain because it is mine as well. I too think it unfortunate that no one sees us, or for what it was like for us. I don't care about what happened to the couple involved, but i do care what happened to the children involved. Why doesn't anyone else?

Your efforts are endless and those to be in awe of. When I say, "We have to live with the decisions the adults around us created for us," I am serious. We were and are powerless in this kind of dispute. No amount of testimony or explanations will ever suffice years of lies and cover-ups.

I am sorry. I wish I good news and uplifting words for you, but sadly I can only offer a suggestion. Stop. Your efforts are glorious but without results. I love you and I hope that you can get to a "f**k it" like I have.

No words can explain the love and admiration I have for you,

Sister