Saturday, February 14, 2009

A Need for Clean

Dave discovered today that our vacuum doesn't work for shit. Wanna know how? He was dragging his feet on the carpet and found that his running shoes brought up a lot of cat fur. Not only is it funny that he found out that way, but he actually is fascinated and entertained by cleaning the carpets. 

I have now watched Dave for the past hour, rubbing his feet all over every inch of carpet in his boxer briefs and running shoes! Every few minutes he yells at me, "Honey, you just wont believe this amount of fur and how well this works!" The cats are beyond fascination, watching him at the end of he hall trying to find out what the hell he is doing. 

Boyfriend is so funny. He finds even the simplest discoveries glorious:) 

Friday, February 6, 2009

Need for Change

Again, I changed my background. I think it is the same as Mrs. Smith, but I needed simplicity. Going with this theme, change/simplicity, I feel the need to extend this theme to other parts of my life. I have now chosen to slim down on excess in all forms. My life has felt very out of my control and a sense of auto-pilot exhaustion. How do I do this you ask? I don't know actually. I am unfamiliar with changing and down-sizing, but I figure the first step is recognition.

I was in class last night, and one of my fellow classmates was talking about his need for change as well. He started what he called "life reform" when Obama was elected and started being more aware of how he affects the world around him. I was fascinated and a bit awe-struck. On my freakishly long car ride home, I reflected on why I feel like my life is only work/school/responsibility and rarely play/enjoyment. I didn't like what I felt. I came up with thousands of "but's" to all of my responsibility and I am unhappy with my excuses. I can excuse my way out of everything in my life when in actuality, I need to appreciate the people in my life more, enjoy experiences more, and do more for myself without feeling guilty. Thus I created a list, and now a public list, to inspire and push myself forward in making more time for those moments that make life wonderful, people who enrich my life, and memories that define one's existence!

1) Be with my family as much as possible.

These are the people who have shaped me and I am a better person because of them, therefore to continue in being a better person, I need more time with them. I know we get together on Sunday, but I want a family vacation, activities that we all attend, date nights, game nights, whatever, so long as time is spent in their presence.

2) Keep things interesting and spontaneous with Dave.

So often people get tired in the same routine and stress makes people lack effort. Dave deserves time from me, quality time. Time without stress, school, work, etc. conversation. I want date nights, butterflies, and giddiness. He deserves it and I sure as hell do too. We are a perfect pair and compliment each other exactly, but every relationship needs more and I refuse to let either of us feel "ok" with our relationship. I want amazing and terrific all the time. I am not unrealistic, but I need to know that even when we fight, that neither Dave nor I want to be anywhere else but with each other.

3) Keep school with school and work with work.

Stress about work AT work and no more, stress about school AT school and no more. I try and control my school and work outside of work and school and I am running myself ragged. What happens happens. Fact is: I am good at my job and I am a good student. My life is consumed with being preoccupied and worried about outcomes of school and work. It is out of my hands and all I can do is keep doing what I am doing without the worry.

4) Self Care

I hear over and over about self care in my profession and future profession. I really need to focus on being healthy both physically and mentally. Therapy, exercise, eating better, quality friend time, relaxing, family interactions, etc., all need to be worked into my schedule. Time is my biggest enemy and instead I need to befriend it and embrace it. I have all the time in the world, but I just need to pace myself and spend it wisely.

5) Have more of a forgiving nature.

I hold grudges, BIG TIME. Although I definitely cannot give this up completely because I feel it is a part of my personality, I can ease up and try. Forgiveness must be practiced, like riding a bike. Somethings, I just can't forgive, but other things that are insignificant I need to let go. If I can't let it go, I need to recognize what needs to happen in order to get to a place of forgiveness. In addition, I want to understand and apply the comparison of forgiveness vs. forgetting. Although I may not be able to forget, I can forgive. That needs to be a new mantra for me.

Most of who reads my blog fall under one of these categories. Hold me accountable to these pledges. I need help and I am not above asking for it. I want to radically change my standards and priorities. This is step one.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Weighing Options

I started therapy and I have two options now:

Option 1) I don't like her at all. In fact she bugs me and our sessions are very boring. She ended today's session say that we made great progress and it was very eventful. Wha? What session was she in? I was falling asleep wondering if her chunky and funky sweater was a poly-blend. Anyway, I could keep going for 8 more sessions that is required by school, being completely and utterly bored and unproductive the whole time, whilst wasting my time and hers. The reason for this: I can't bring myself to break it off with her. It is like a bad break-up...what do you say? I don't know how to tell her because anyway I put it, it just ends up being her that doesn't fit. I might have to suffer through the sessions to spare her feelings and my awkwardness.

OR

Option 2) Tell her it's over and start seeing a great therapist who really listens and knows what NKOTB is! But, in order to get to this option, I must say I don't like her or something of that sort. Ugh!!! Therapy is hard Barbie!

What to do, oh what to do?