Alas, today was not like every other day. No one is here. My mom is in Canada, Morgan is at Tyler's home, Sheri is at home, Dave is at his dad's, and I feel so alone. Now I have time to think about not having a dad because I don't have my family rallying around me, all of us not mentioning the elephant in the room, the lack our dad.
So here is the truth and I must face it. I have a dad. He was lovely for years. I have memories that will last a lifetime of how much fun we had together. I remember his smile, his chair, his tools, and his food. Lots of thing I still remember and I don't want to forget. Then, there are the things I do want to forget. His selfishness, the pain he caused, deception, fighting, me alone, embarrassment, and creating a life where I had a family one day and my four people the next. How does one explain this kind of hurt? He doesn't get it, nor did he ever try to understand. His selfishness reached so far that he couldn't understand what was wrong with me? I will be forever puzzled how I lived with someone for so long and he still couldn't get why cheating and a divorce didn't sit well with me. There are no words for this feeling. It looks like a black hole. Like a headache that wont go away. A headache, hung-over, broken bones, burnt hands, paper-cuts all over, period cramps, kind of hurt. Do you feel that? That was my high school experience. Throw in a whole lot of embarrassment and never-ending questions and doubt from people who are equally selfish.
Abandonment. That is the word for 2002. He left. Friends left. Family left. Everyone jumped ship on the family Emmerton. No longer did I have 2 sets of grandparents. No longer did I have aunts and uncles. No longer did I have cousins. Everyone gone.
Today I am alone and he is alone. Such irony.
Today I feel Father's Day and all it's glory.
4 comments:
Oh my Precious. I wish I was there with you. I wish I would have thought ahead enough to be there with you. Or you here with me. I'm sorry you have to deal with this crap. But you will put this pain to good use when you are able to help other kids as a therapist.
Taylor,
While everything you must be going through today inevitably sucks, just keep in mind that everything happens for a reason. Maybe, if you hadn't gone through what you did, you wouldn't have chosen your specific career path, and you wouldn't have had the opportunity to change people's lives as a result. Today, celebrate the papa that your daddy used to be, and be thankful that you had that. So many people aren't as lucky. I am sorry that you have to deal with this, but remember that God only gives you what you can handle, and someday everything will come together and make sense.
Thank you Annie and Jordie.
you are the best, and I am so sorry I didn't realize you would be alone on this day. Thank you for opening your heart and sharing. Its hard not to remember your dad on Father's Day, I too think of him on days when we did celebrate together. I love you more than all the hurt you are feeling....
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