Need for Change

Again, I changed my background. I think it is the same as Mrs. Smith, but I needed simplicity. Going with this theme, change/simplicity, I feel the need to extend this theme to other parts of my life. I have now chosen to slim down on excess in all forms. My life has felt very out of my control and a sense of auto-pilot exhaustion. How do I do this you ask? I don't know actually. I am unfamiliar with changing and down-sizing, but I figure the first step is recognition.

I was in class last night, and one of my fellow classmates was talking about his need for change as well. He started what he called "life reform" when Obama was elected and started being more aware of how he affects the world around him. I was fascinated and a bit awe-struck. On my freakishly long car ride home, I reflected on why I feel like my life is only work/school/responsibility and rarely play/enjoyment. I didn't like what I felt. I came up with thousands of "but's" to all of my responsibility and I am unhappy with my excuses. I can excuse my way out of everything in my life when in actuality, I need to appreciate the people in my life more, enjoy experiences more, and do more for myself without feeling guilty. Thus I created a list, and now a public list, to inspire and push myself forward in making more time for those moments that make life wonderful, people who enrich my life, and memories that define one's existence!

1) Be with my family as much as possible.

These are the people who have shaped me and I am a better person because of them, therefore to continue in being a better person, I need more time with them. I know we get together on Sunday, but I want a family vacation, activities that we all attend, date nights, game nights, whatever, so long as time is spent in their presence.

2) Keep things interesting and spontaneous with Dave.

So often people get tired in the same routine and stress makes people lack effort. Dave deserves time from me, quality time. Time without stress, school, work, etc. conversation. I want date nights, butterflies, and giddiness. He deserves it and I sure as hell do too. We are a perfect pair and compliment each other exactly, but every relationship needs more and I refuse to let either of us feel "ok" with our relationship. I want amazing and terrific all the time. I am not unrealistic, but I need to know that even when we fight, that neither Dave nor I want to be anywhere else but with each other.

3) Keep school with school and work with work.

Stress about work AT work and no more, stress about school AT school and no more. I try and control my school and work outside of work and school and I am running myself ragged. What happens happens. Fact is: I am good at my job and I am a good student. My life is consumed with being preoccupied and worried about outcomes of school and work. It is out of my hands and all I can do is keep doing what I am doing without the worry.

4) Self Care

I hear over and over about self care in my profession and future profession. I really need to focus on being healthy both physically and mentally. Therapy, exercise, eating better, quality friend time, relaxing, family interactions, etc., all need to be worked into my schedule. Time is my biggest enemy and instead I need to befriend it and embrace it. I have all the time in the world, but I just need to pace myself and spend it wisely.

5) Have more of a forgiving nature.

I hold grudges, BIG TIME. Although I definitely cannot give this up completely because I feel it is a part of my personality, I can ease up and try. Forgiveness must be practiced, like riding a bike. Somethings, I just can't forgive, but other things that are insignificant I need to let go. If I can't let it go, I need to recognize what needs to happen in order to get to a place of forgiveness. In addition, I want to understand and apply the comparison of forgiveness vs. forgetting. Although I may not be able to forget, I can forgive. That needs to be a new mantra for me.

Most of who reads my blog fall under one of these categories. Hold me accountable to these pledges. I need help and I am not above asking for it. I want to radically change my standards and priorities. This is step one.