A January to Remember

This month has pretty much been hell on wheels. Everything that could go wrong, has happened within this 30 days. My family has changed, my friends have changed, my work has changed, and my school has changed. Although I prefer it all happening at once rather than sporadically, I am not making these transitions a fluidly as before.

I have to thank all the family and friends who have tried to make this month a bit more bearable. Your support and strength has really kept me going. A special shout out to my one and only's, Kim Hood and Evee, I am too lucky to have you in my life. Thanks for the buds...they are beautiful!

I am wishing everyone a happy February...

A Final Thank You

I love thank you cards. Not just any thank you cards, but particularly the fancy, crazy-expensive, glittery thank you cards from Papyrus. Anyone who knows me, knows that with each gift, act of kindness, or just 'cause, you get beautiful cards from me. I think it is important to note, that I collect my cards. Every card sent to me I have saved. That's right, every single one of them. I think I counted once around my senior year and I had around 450+ cards. I don't send or collect these cards for just any reason, I keep them because they are a piece of the sender. They are not an email, they are not an e-Card, they are time taken out of someone's busy schedule to write, or have written, just for them. There is something historic about getting mail and receiving a thank you. Again, it is important to note that if I didn't remember to send a thank you note AND in a timely manner, my mother would hunt me down for poor manners. This one of the only things I still do because my mother told me so.

Nonetheless, while others share their stories of my Grammy, I am having the hardest time wondering if she got my last thank you card in the mail from Christmas. I sent all of my thank you's in a timely manner, but, because of the snow and such, my receivers reported a later-than-usual thank you.  It's silly, I know, to worry about a thank you card, but this is one thing I know Grammy counted on. Whenever I would call her, she would tell me about the last card sent and how she just loved it. It was a connection thing. I'd like to believe that she taught my Mom the thank you card etiquette and my Mom passed it to me. This would be something that I will always have directly from her to me. 

When Mom was at Grammy's last week, she stumbled upon a box with "Taylor's xmas" written in her writing. My mom peeked inside and found a HUGE box of tupperware. I must explain: when Dave and I were getting ready to move in together, I was freaking out because I hadn't found any tupperware that measured up to my mom's Martha Stewart tupperware and I couldn't find a stick of it anywhere. So, Grammy asked me what was on my Christmas list one year and I told her I needed new tupperware, and I think I told her, verbatim, "Not a shitty kind either." Nice way to talk to your Grammy Taylor:( Anyway, she laughed and that Christmas I got 2 pieces of this "Lock and Lock" tupperware. She must have gotten a package deal, because Mom, Annie, and Mrs. Smith got a few as well. On a note inside of my tupperware (she always put the cutest notes in each present like she couldn't wait to tell us what was inside on a post-it....I'll miss those post-its) she wrote that this tupperware was on a "trial" basis, to ensure that they are not "shitty." 

After I sent her the thank you card, we chatted and I told her how NOT-shitty this tupperware is. I LOVE IT! It is the best tupperware and we all fight over who get Sunday dinner leftovers in a Lock and Lock tupperware. She got a serious hoot out of this and she must have ordered more for me...hence the huge box mom found. 

Yesterday, Mom brought over the bag of tupperware and I just unpacked it. 32 PIECES IN ALL!!! I am not kidding. I have every size, shape, accessory known to man in the form of tupperware. I no longer have space for my baking things because I have WAY too much tupperware. 

Thus, this is my final thank you to Grammy....

Grammy,

Thank you so much for the tupperware. You know I love this stuff and it means so much to me that you thought of me. I can't tell you how much I miss you and how every day will go by with you in my thoughts. YOu know I am not a religious or spiritual person, but I feel you, everywhere. Mrs. Smith does too, we all do. Although I will be thinking of you, show me that you are thinking of me sometimes too, I want to know you're with me. The memories of our crazy times flood my dreams and photos. What special times we had together. I love you more than you will ever know. Missing you...

Love You,

Tay

Poetry

I truly have no words that could describe my relationship with Grammy or how she became to be such a pivotal woman in my life. If I were to try, I would do her an injustice, and she would be embarrassed by my feeble rhetoric. The glorious time she spent with me is described wonderfully in my favorite poem by William Wordsworth:

What though the radiance which was once so bright

Be now for ever taken from my sight,

Though nothing can bring back the hour

Of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower;

We grieve not, rather find

Strength in what remains behind...

I love you more than every fish in the sea, grain of sand, and star in the sky...beat that Grammy!

I will miss you more than you will ever know.

Love, 

Tay

My Dear Mrs. Smith,

How do I calm your sensitive soul? With each comment suggesting actions as our fault, you are so quick to defend. I love your passion and dedication for justice. You need to be heard. I think this is the only way for you to find resolution.

Let me tell you this, you were/are not at fault. We did nothing to deserve this although we have been punished for years. I embrace your pain because it is mine as well. I too think it unfortunate that no one sees us, or for what it was like for us. I don't care about what happened to the couple involved, but i do care what happened to the children involved. Why doesn't anyone else?

Your efforts are endless and those to be in awe of. When I say, "We have to live with the decisions the adults around us created for us," I am serious. We were and are powerless in this kind of dispute. No amount of testimony or explanations will ever suffice years of lies and cover-ups.

I am sorry. I wish I good news and uplifting words for you, but sadly I can only offer a suggestion. Stop. Your efforts are glorious but without results. I love you and I hope that you can get to a "f**k it" like I have.

No words can explain the love and admiration I have for you,

Sister

This Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

My Grandma gave me a picture about 3 years ago. It was given during one of her sessions of, "I'm going to be gone one day, so tell me what you would like..." In the past I brushed her off and she of course came at me ten-fold as the years progressed. So, three years ago I finally had an answer. She was shocked that I finally had come up with something of hers that I wanted.

I wanted photos. Not just any photos, but photos of her happy days. Photos of her childhood, of her and my Grandpa's courtship, of her young marriage, the births of her girls, I wanted those photos.

All my life she told me about her overwhelming sorrow that her broken marriage brings her. When she talks about Cherry Hill, Hops fields, peaches, Burger Master, Neal, or Yakima Valley, her world lights up. She goes on and on about her past and she wanted so much for Mrs. Smith and I to be a part of it. She spoke of such a rich, and rooted place where all of her beginnings sprouted. I want a part of that.

When she asked me year after year, I wanted to find the essence of my Grandma. I wanted a part of her that was her life's work, her passion, and where she felt the most bliss. I believe it is in those years long ago, captured in the hills, the orchards, and the soil of Eastern Washington.

The photos of her years are the things I will cherish most. She shared her memories and brought me to her past, then we picked lilacs. She is my Grammy and she only has months to fill in the holes that I desperately need to know. Her past is my past and we share the love of where we came from and the fear of where we are to go. I still need to see her as a "vision of purple," in my wedding (that she is convinced will happen, but sadly no), and the events she longs for, but she will miss. She is the only "active-in-my-life" Grandma...what are we to do without her?

She and I looked through at least 5 photo albums that day. I scoured each and everyone and squeezed every drop of information out of each one. When I came to this one, I froze and smiled. She smiled, a sad smile, but one that brought her back to that moment. With each deep breath she took, I knew, I wanted that one. She knew as well. She told me, "Now that's a good one to want. Never was their a better day, a better time, or a better young man. Yup, that is a good one to want."


As I write this, my dropping tears are like years she will miss. The photo that will bring me back to ground and remember where and who I came from is one of my Grammy and Grandpa. Time has changed this picture to the perfect tone of sepia. The backdrop is the Yakima Fair. There are rides and stands a plenty and fun to be had by all. But, no matter, because the couple in this backdrop, only have eyes for each other. Mary Lou and Neal stare at each other unfailingly hand in hand. My lanky, tall Grandpa smiles down at her in his relaxed jeans and slicked back hair. My Grandma, appears to be laughing at some nonsense my Grandpa just said, because no smile has even looked more wide, real, or brilliant. She is shorter and curvy with her relaxed fair attire. They fit. Their bliss was one to be envious of. This photo is the only thing I want. It says everything and nothing at all.

School Requirement

Because I am going to school to become a therapist, naturally, my school requires that I should BE in therapy at the same time. I completely agree with the statement, "We cannot ask our clients to go somewhere that we have not gone ourselves; therapeutically, we should be growing as they grow." I get it. Really.

When I entered the program at St. Martin's I knew of this requirement and was all for it. Until now that I have read the fine print that I have to finnish my first 10 sessions by the end of my 2nd year, and start my second round of 10 session by the end of my last internship. This seems like an easy feat, but imagine my schedule for a moment....actually, let me give you a visual.

Monday:
Work (10 hours)
Meet with friends (PM)
Homework

Tuesday:
Work (10 hours)
Go to therapy during lunch
Homework

Wednesday:
Work until noon
Drive 1.5 hours to Olympia
In school until 5pm
Drive 1.5 hours home from Olympia
Homework

Thursday:
Work until 3pm
Drive 1.5 hours to Olympia
In school until 8:30pm
Drive 1.5 hours home from Olympia
Homework

Friday:
Work (10 hours)
Homework

Weekends:
Homework
Sleep
Friends, Family, Dave, Cats

In between all of that, I have to make time for family, friends, cats, boyfriend, etc. Not to mention feed myself, pay bills, and possibly enjoy 5 minutes+ of life.

And now my point. When I called the new therapist that I start with on the 20th, (will let all of you know how that goes) she was very kind and I got a good vibe. She asked why I was seeking therapy and I told her it was a requirement, but also it would be beneficial for self growth and exploration. She was curious, of course, about my studies and the requirement business, but she quickly got over it.

Today, I realized I had to fill out an "Intent to Seek Therapy" form for school to be turned into my Dean and approved by him...DAMN! I forgot I had to get his approval before I started. Luckily I have a week before my session and I start class tomorrow. As I filled out the info, it requires her licence number and her credentials. I didn't ask her this info on our initial conversation, so I called her and left a message. She called back very quickly, which left me curious as to why she has a message-taking-man if she could call me back so quickly???...Oh well, when we talked I asked her for the necessary info and here is where I got confused, she said "Taylor, I've been meaning to ask you, and I was going to at our first session, but I am considering our relationship as more therapeutic than exploratory are you?" WHA??? I pause and say, "Of course!" Not really knowing what I just agreed to.

My beef with this: What does she mean "more therapeutic than exploratory?" Aren't they one of the same? I don't get it and I think I am looking for more exploratory than therapeutic, but that is obviously the wrong answer. I mean, I'm not looking for a pal-ing-around-friend kind of thing with her....I mean I don't even have time for the friends I have let alone some therapist that wants to be "exploratory" friends. Of course I want therapeutic!! That question doesn't even make sense.

Which leads me to the next problem: What the hell is wrong with me that one sentence from my potential therapist is throwing me this off? Why do I even care? Or maybe I should bring this up in our first session to clarify. This would give us great material for a first session and will force us to explore our boundaries. Hold up, am I the client or the therapist? Shit! I am so confused as to how this is going to go down. I feel like I will be question girl and that will force her to either A) hate me and loath our sessions together when I really just want her to like me (why do I feel the need to seek her approval, and I don't even know her or if I like her? UGH) or B) think I have some sort of disorder where I am chaotic and feel like I need to control situations I feel uneasy about. Clearly my school is paying off, but in that inverse crazy kind of way.

Nonetheless, I have a session with this woman next Tuesday and where I once was confident and excited, I am now freaked out and desperately wanting to start our THERAPEUTIC and EXPLORATORY relationship over. Sad.

Facebook Friends

I was unaware when I was first became a member of Facebook. Michael Book set me up and forwarded me all of my password info shortly there after. I ignored the thing completely, until I accessed my SU e-mail and realized that I had over 200 emails from Facebook. Throughly annoyed, I checked it out. Now, I don't enjoy Facebook at all, rather I find it incredibly interesting. It's most intriguing feature, finding and requesting friendships. I do understand that it may be fun to reconnect with past friends and what not, but I beg the question: Why would you request to my my friend in cyber-space if you are not willing to be my friend in real life? I have had several people, past acquaintances, old school mates, even estranged family ask to be friends, but why? Why do you want to be my Facebook friend? Is is so that we can reconnect? GREAT! Alas, no one has reached out for an invite or a cup of coffee. I believe they are just interested in A) increasing their number of "friends" online, and/or B) check out photos and info of where their "friends" are now. Either way, I don't think I want you as my friend if we are in fact, NOT friends. 

I will continue to erase my overflowing Facebook reminder emails and continue to update my info as well. But, do know, it is for you friends that are truly interested in me and I can say that I have seen/heard from you in the past 6 months. Otherwise, who are you and why do you want to be my faux cyber-friend?

Absence Made My Heart Grow Fonder

We went for a friends/snowboarding extravaganza this past weekend at Mt Hood. It was lovely, exhausting, relaxing, and painful all at the same time. It was the final celebration for dear Ivy's birthday and it was as wonderful as Ivy herself. Only glitch, I missed my kitties. I know it's lame, but after a day of cold, snowing exhaustion, all I wanted was all of that great company and my cats on my lap. I am SO that cat lady and I embrace this part of me whole-heartedly, but I just wish everyone else was too. 

When I came home, they were waiting patiently and ran right to me. I just love them. I sat down, read my blog friends, and got updated on all of my missed people with my boys in my lap. 

Strange but, I missed my peeps if only for 4 days...Happy New Year:)