My therapist recently told me that I have a hard time with people who don't take responsibility. She explained that I was raised in an environment where being wrong was okay, therefore I am comfortable with saying, "I am wrong." The kicker: Because I don't like it when others don't take responsibility, I create strict boundaries until they do. This is not too great because then I create a situation where I push them away instead of telling them how I feel.
I want to forget that someone hurt me, but I need them to take responsibility before I can move forward. If this doesn't get resolved, I feel like situations will arise where we will circle back to where we once were, not admitting our faults.
Is it growing up when you find yourself censoring what you say, therefore feeling like you are compromising your personality and the very essence of your being?
5 comments:
I've been thinking about this. Who put these crazy ideas in your head? I think you are right the way you've been doing it. Hold people accountable. Don't censor yourself. Why is this bad? I do not want a watered-down Taylor. I want a full-strength Taylor.
I love you just the way you are, my Precious (with credit to Billy Joel, of course).
Taylor - I think you express yourself very well and what's wrong with holding people responsible for their actions, words etc...you do, I do and all those around you do. Once again you are amazing and if you don't have a "space" in your busy world for someone who doesn't meet the criteria...well, you're the winner!
Tay- here's my unsolicited 10 cents. I think you shouldn't feel like you have to hold back from letting others know when you've been hurt by their actions but there's a rigidity to relationships when full accountability is a requirement of being in your life. That's a very high standard to set and not everyone will be able to live up to it all of the time.
By forgiving others and at times choosing to let things go you are not being untrue to yourself you're showing compassion and understanding. We are all a work in progress with strengths and weaknesses. Some people have a difficult time taking responsibility for their actions and the reality is this is probably something they will always struggle with. Since accountability is a strenght of yours there will always be people in your life who differ from you in this way. You can choose to try and change people to be more like you so they better fit in your life, you can cut them out of your life, or you can state your feelings but accept that this is an area where you differ.
It is great that you grew up in a household where taking responsibility for your actions was encouraged and you were able to develop this skill! This is one of your strengths that can be modeled for others and is somthing people look up to. It's something that is at times unique to you and is not a skill everyone has.
One dichotomy that I still struggled with is establishing deal breakers for the relationships in my life vs. accepting people as they are. I've found that when I find the right balance of speaking my mind but doing so without expectations my relationships are the most honest and the strongest. It is difficult to accept people and their behavior when it is not ideal but how great is it that people are accepting of us when we're less than ideal. It is not an all or nothing. The times when I've chosen to accept someone as they are... flaws included I've noticed the flaws a lot less and started to notice the good qualities a lot more....
Thanks for your thoughts Evee. I am trying to find that balance while not feeling like I am compromising myself. Just as I am a work in progress and will try not to require responsibility, I hope others understand that they too need to work on taking responsibility. Ugh, being a grown-up is hard!
I thought Ivy's comment was very interesting. I agree with a lot of it. Philosophically, I require myself and others to take responsibility - the opposite of that is victim... my least favorite word. But then again it is important to accept people as they are... and hope they do the same for me.
For me, the line is drawn when my acceptance of the unacceptable begins to pull my spirit down. If someone's flaws don't make me feel bad about myself and/or cause chaos in my life - we have no problem. If being around a very flawed person triggers bad things in me and around me - that's where I draw a healthy boundary.
Good discussion! By the way, it took me many decades to figure this out. I'm a slow learner.
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