School Requirement

Because I am going to school to become a therapist, naturally, my school requires that I should BE in therapy at the same time. I completely agree with the statement, "We cannot ask our clients to go somewhere that we have not gone ourselves; therapeutically, we should be growing as they grow." I get it. Really.

When I entered the program at St. Martin's I knew of this requirement and was all for it. Until now that I have read the fine print that I have to finnish my first 10 sessions by the end of my 2nd year, and start my second round of 10 session by the end of my last internship. This seems like an easy feat, but imagine my schedule for a moment....actually, let me give you a visual.

Monday:
Work (10 hours)
Meet with friends (PM)
Homework

Tuesday:
Work (10 hours)
Go to therapy during lunch
Homework

Wednesday:
Work until noon
Drive 1.5 hours to Olympia
In school until 5pm
Drive 1.5 hours home from Olympia
Homework

Thursday:
Work until 3pm
Drive 1.5 hours to Olympia
In school until 8:30pm
Drive 1.5 hours home from Olympia
Homework

Friday:
Work (10 hours)
Homework

Weekends:
Homework
Sleep
Friends, Family, Dave, Cats

In between all of that, I have to make time for family, friends, cats, boyfriend, etc. Not to mention feed myself, pay bills, and possibly enjoy 5 minutes+ of life.

And now my point. When I called the new therapist that I start with on the 20th, (will let all of you know how that goes) she was very kind and I got a good vibe. She asked why I was seeking therapy and I told her it was a requirement, but also it would be beneficial for self growth and exploration. She was curious, of course, about my studies and the requirement business, but she quickly got over it.

Today, I realized I had to fill out an "Intent to Seek Therapy" form for school to be turned into my Dean and approved by him...DAMN! I forgot I had to get his approval before I started. Luckily I have a week before my session and I start class tomorrow. As I filled out the info, it requires her licence number and her credentials. I didn't ask her this info on our initial conversation, so I called her and left a message. She called back very quickly, which left me curious as to why she has a message-taking-man if she could call me back so quickly???...Oh well, when we talked I asked her for the necessary info and here is where I got confused, she said "Taylor, I've been meaning to ask you, and I was going to at our first session, but I am considering our relationship as more therapeutic than exploratory are you?" WHA??? I pause and say, "Of course!" Not really knowing what I just agreed to.

My beef with this: What does she mean "more therapeutic than exploratory?" Aren't they one of the same? I don't get it and I think I am looking for more exploratory than therapeutic, but that is obviously the wrong answer. I mean, I'm not looking for a pal-ing-around-friend kind of thing with her....I mean I don't even have time for the friends I have let alone some therapist that wants to be "exploratory" friends. Of course I want therapeutic!! That question doesn't even make sense.

Which leads me to the next problem: What the hell is wrong with me that one sentence from my potential therapist is throwing me this off? Why do I even care? Or maybe I should bring this up in our first session to clarify. This would give us great material for a first session and will force us to explore our boundaries. Hold up, am I the client or the therapist? Shit! I am so confused as to how this is going to go down. I feel like I will be question girl and that will force her to either A) hate me and loath our sessions together when I really just want her to like me (why do I feel the need to seek her approval, and I don't even know her or if I like her? UGH) or B) think I have some sort of disorder where I am chaotic and feel like I need to control situations I feel uneasy about. Clearly my school is paying off, but in that inverse crazy kind of way.

Nonetheless, I have a session with this woman next Tuesday and where I once was confident and excited, I am now freaked out and desperately wanting to start our THERAPEUTIC and EXPLORATORY relationship over. Sad.